So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
