why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
