You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
