i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
