well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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