So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
