I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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