Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
