I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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