I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
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