I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I could fuck to npr.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
