You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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