I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
