I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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