So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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