I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
