still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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