I'm laying in your front yard are you home
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
