Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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