My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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