exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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