all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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