I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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