I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
