i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
