I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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