I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize