I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
