really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
