I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
