Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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