my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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