seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
