I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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