You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
