once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
