Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
