I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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