How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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