if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
