Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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