just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
