I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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