From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize