TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
