Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
