it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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