The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So vagazzling was a success
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
