So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
