I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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