Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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