chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
