the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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