Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
