Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
