oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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