Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
