My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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