On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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