filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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