It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
