Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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